IFS-based Coaching

Are you at times surprised by, confused or even overwhelmed about all those different voices in your head? Would you like to understand better what they want from you, what truths they might hold? Maybe you even wish to get support to mediate a conflict between some of your inner voices? To build a friendlier, more harmonious relationship with them?

In my approach, I combine Non-Violent Communication (NVC) principles with the Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy model.

It is an NVC principle that there are core needs that have been identified to be universal, which means that humans in all regions and cultures of the planet share these needs. To name a few examples, there are needs such as love, connection, care, belonging, autonomy, creativity, ease and harmony. You might have any of these mentioned needs, or maybe others. In NVC, feelings are thought to arrive from met or unmet needs. In that way, our feelings are pointers toward our needs. Our feelings and needs are always valid and can be considered beautiful.

In IFS, we call our internal voices 'parts'. Each of us in fact naturally has a very complex inner system of many parts. I have learned that all of our parts carry specific, very valid and important feelings and needs, and that they have developed their individual strategies to meet those needs.

Sometimes different parts/voices are in conflict with each other, which might create confusion or even a sense of overwhelm for you. You might, for example, get an invitation to a friend's birthday party and then find yourself stuck between a desire to join the party and a longing to not go and hang out on the sofa with popcorn and a movie instead. With outer as with inner conflicts, the belief in NVC is that those conflicts are a symptom of opposing needs that we have, or of opposing strategies that our parts use to meet their needs. Many of these strategies might be unfortunate, or they can even be mentally, emotionally and physically harmful to ourselves and to others. All that is natural; and whatever you experience is not weird.

From the IFS viewpoint, all of our parts have positive intentions; they wish us well and want to protect us. And we trust that they have very important messages to bring to us. In my experience with IFS, there is a lot we can learn from our parts about our deepest feelings, needs, desires and boundaries – those alive in the present but also those from the past, including those we had as young children.

There are also often parts in us that carry deep childhood wounds (i.e. unmet needs and the feelings related to that) and which have developed strategies to deal with these wounds. I believe that due to these past wounds, we all have made particular adaptations to life – meaning that we moved away from our natural state of being and behaving to states that seemed to provide protection from real or perceived harm.

We want to listen to all our parts empathically and let them know that they are welcome. In my experience, this kind of openness to whatever is alive can already be very nourishing and support the integration of that which was once split off. When more of our parts become integrated, meaning that they are fully welcomed, we naturally experience more inner spaciousness and peace.

From my point of view, it is in fact the key goal of IFS to practice being deeply rooted in what is called the Self – that in us which is not a part but has always been there and will always be there, unchanged; which is our deepest core, and at the same time the core of all being. When we are rooted in Self energy, we can observe our feelings and thoughts more from a distance instead of being identified with them, which generally helps create more clarity and calm.

This process requires deep grounding as well as loving kindness and compassion for our-selves. And I know from experience that this can be challenging, but can be easier when someone else is holding the space for all the parts together with us.
I would feel humbled to be that someone. I sincerely want to welcome all of your parts and am curious to find out what truths they hold for you.

Please note that although this approach could be considered mainly mind-focused, I believe that when we want to understand our full truth, it is very valuable to include the wisdom of the body in the exploration. I therefore do intuitively incorporate somatic aspects in this offering and might invite you to explore which physical sensations you experience in your body, including elements like your breath, body temperature, heart rate, and areas of tension/relaxation.

If you would like more information before booking a session, please reach out and we can schedule a (video) call to talk about any questions you might have.